A TMR Parody
by Dead Profile
Summary: CHAP 12 UPLOADED!!! I "Mel Brooks-ed" it. Oh no. ^_~ Very long and uncompleted. Check it out anyway. Couldn't hurt.
1. The Legend of the Scorpion Princess

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**A TMR Parody**

**By Dylan**

Okay, this is another pointless parody using ideas from KatieScarlet's 'Mummy Scenes We'd Like to See' and other lists like it. Thanks guys! Disclaimer: I don't own these characters... yadda, yadda, yadda... uh-huh, you get the idea.

The scene opens to a galaxy. _Star Wars _music begins playing and those flat word things start to appear. 

**WORDS**: A long time ago in a galaxy very, very, very, very, very, very

**HILLBILLY VOICE**: Aw, nuts! Ma! The words are stuck again!

A loud *thwap* is heard and the next word to appear on the screen is 'far.'

**WORDS**: far away...

**OVERVOICE**: Okay, I hate this part. I'm gonna fast forward it.

The words suddenly start to appear and move backwards extremely fast so you can't read them. Those little lines that appear on the screen when you fast-forward something appear.

**OVERVOICE**: Ah, here we go.

The tape stops and the only words that are big enough to read (even though they are very small) are 'If you can read this you don't need glasses. (Or already have some.)'

**HALF OF THE AUDIENCE**: What does it say?

**OTHER HALF**: Cool! I don't need glasses!

Cut to a white limo. The camera zooms in, filling up the entire screen with... limo. It slowly moves forward, Spaceball-style. (For those of you who haven't seen _Spaceballs_, well, I pity you.) Evil sounding music plays.

**MUSIC**: Duh-da. Duh-da.

The limo continues to move by extremely slowly.

*15 minutes later.*

**MUSIC**: Duh-da. Duh-da.

Finally the end of the limo appears. Three guys are pushing the back end of it. They stop.

**GUY 1**: Do you think we should get in now?

**GUY 2**: Yeah.

**GUY 3**: Sure.

They run off the screen to the front of the limo. We hear three doors open and shut, then the sound of a motor starting. The limo lets out a cloud of pollution from it exhaust pipe and quickly leaves the frame.

**OVERVOICE**: *Cough* *Hack* Okay... what the hell was that?! That didn't have a single _thing _to do with _The Mummy Returns_!!!

**DYLAN**: Oops, sorry. That was the opening scene to _Battlefield Parking Lot_.

The screen turns to static. 

**DYLAN**: Okay, I think I got it!

We see a pink-and-purple polkadotted llama with two humps standing in a blizzard.

**SOME DISCOVERY CHANNEL OVERVOICE**: The Twice-Humped Llama is native to Antarctica-- 

**DYLAN**: Umm... no.

The screen flickers again. It turns to some Spanish soap opera.

**SPANISH LADY**: JalapenoburritoTacoBellpesos!

**DYLAN**: I don't think so...

The screen flickers again. We see the ancient city of Thebes. Two armies approach each other.

**DYLAN**: _THANK_ YOU!!! You may continue now, Mr. Overvoice.

**OVERVOICE**: Thank you. A long, long, lime ago, in a galaxy....

**RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER**: Lime?

**SMARTER RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER**: Wrong movie, genius!

**OVERVOICE**: *Clears throat* Okay, five thousand years ago, a great warrior known as the Scorpion Princess led a great army on a campaign to conquer the known world.

**THE ROCK**: HAKU... HAIKOO.... HAKA.... oh screw this, CHAAAAAAARGE!

No one moves.

**SCORIPION PRINCESS**: SIMON SAYS, "CHAAAAAARGE!!!!!!"

The two armies run towards each other and a really expensive battle scene starts. We see the Scorpion Princess's sword is made out of cardboard after he flips some guy over his head and it bends.

**SCORPION PRINCESS**: Yeah! I'm a lean, mean, flippin' machine!

**AUDIENCE**: Was that a diss?

Cut to after the battle. People are lying on the sand. We note about five are wearing wristwatches and one had a cell phone lying beside him. The Scorpion Princess scowls at the camera and walks away from it.

**OVERVOICE**: After a vicious campaign that lasted seven long years, the Scorpion Princess and his army were defeated and banished to the sacred desert of O-Wah-Ta-Gu-Siam.

**OVERVOICE**: One by one they slowly perished under the scorching sun, until only the great princess himself was left alive.

**OVERVOICE**: Near death, he made a pact with the dark god Anubis, saying that if Anubis would spare his life and let him conquer his enemies; he would give him his autographed copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

**OVERVOICE**: Anubis accepted his offer and spared his life.

A scorpion crawls out from the sand. The Scorpion Princess picks it up and gets stung a lot.

**SCORPION PRINCESS**: Ow! Ouch! Yowwie!

He bites off its head and chews, not noticing the long strand of body fluids connecting his mouth with the dead bug.

**SCORPION PRINCESS**: Mmmm... tastes like chicken!

Suddenly the sand around him bursts into vegetation. He chokes on the scorpion in surprise.

**SCORPION PRINCESS**: *Gurgle*

A stagehand comes out wearing jeans, a T-shirt and a baseball cap. He hits the Scorpion Princess on the back and he spits out the scorpion. 

**SCORPION PRINCESS**: Thank you, Billy.

**STAGEHAND**: You're welcome.

The stagehand exits and the Scorpion Princess stands up and looks around.

**SCORPION PRINCESS**: Uhh, what was my line again?

**STEPHEN SOMMERS**: "ROOOOOOOOOOOAR!!!!"

**SCORPION PRINCESS**: Oh, yeah. ROOOOOOOOOOOAR!!!!

**SUBTITLES**: _The oasis of O-Wah-Ta-Gu-Siam._

**OVERVOICE**: Anubis gave the Scorpion Princess control of his army, and like an evil flood they washed away all that lay before them.

Cut to Thebes. A bunch of nine-foot-tall jackal-things with weapons invade the city of Thebes and kill everything in sight. We see one stop to relieve itself on an ancient fire hydrant.

**BAHA MEN**: Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who?

**OVERVOICE**: When his task was done, Anubis forced the Scorpion Princess to serve him for all eternity.

The tutu on his waist jiggles. It stops. It jiggles again.

**AUDIENCE**: Eww...

**SCORPION PRINCESS**: Why won't it fall off?!

He bangs it on a rock.

**SCORPION PRINCESS**: Ow...

Anubis laughs. The tutu falls off and the Scorpion Princess gets the soul sucked out of him.

**SCORPION PRINCESS**: Hey! No fair!

**ANUBIS**: Too bad! And I'm taking the book!

**SCORPION PRINCESS**: NOOOOOOO!


	2. The Family O'Connell

Cut to a ruined temple.  
  


**SUBTITLES**: _Star Trek Voyager, 5490 A.D._  
  


**AUDIENCE**: Awww.....  
  


The subtitles change.  
  


**SUBTITLES**: _Egypt, 1933_  
  


**AUDIENCE**: YAHOO!!!!  
  


**RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER**: Do you... Yahoo?  
  


**AUDIENCE**: YAHOOOOO-OOOOOOH!  
  


Cut to the inside of a temple. Brendan Fraser's silhouette is seen behind a net of spider webs. He stops.  
  


**STEPHEN SOMMERS**: What's wrong, Brendan?  
  


**BRENDAN**: I'm afraid of spiders.  
  


**STEPHEN SOMMERS**: Then improvise!  
  


**BRENDAN**: Right.  
  


He holds his torch, which just appeared out of thin air, close to the webs. They burst into flames, making a wall of fire. Imhotep's face is seen in it, grinning.  
  


**BRENDAN**: AHHHHHHHHH!  
  


**STEPHEN SOMMERS**: Arnold! Not yet!  
  


**ARNOLD (OFFSTAGE)**: Sorry!  
  


The wall of fire is put out by ten or twenty stagehands, who walk up to it and begin spitting on it.  
  


Cut to the inside of the temple. Rick O'Connell is cautiously and very, very slowly walking through the corridors. A few slugs are seen at his feet. They easily pass him.  
  


Suddenly Rick turns around and bumps into his son, Alex.  
  


**ALEX**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  


**RICK**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  


**ALEX**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  


**RICK**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  


**ALEX**: What were you thinking? A mummy had come back to life?  
  


**RICK**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  


**ALEX**: Uhh, dad?  
  


**RICK**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  


**ALEX**: Dad?  
  


**RICK**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  


**ALEX**: I'll go build a better mousetrap, then.  
  


Alex leaves.  
  


**RICK**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  


**STEPHEN SOMMERS**: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY BRENDAN, SHUT THE @^!%* UP!!!  
  


**BRENDAN**: Sorry.  
  


Cut to Evelyn O'Connell, who is dusting off a chiseled picture on a door. We see the picture is of a person, probably a pharaoh, sitting on a toilet.  
  


Rick enters.  
  


**EVY**: What was all that about?  
  


**RICK**: Alex scared the *CRAP* out of me! I swear, the kid gets more and more like you everyday.  
  


**EVY**: You mean he's driving you crazy?  
  


**RICK**: No, he's becoming more attractive, sweet, and devilishly charming.  
  


**EVY**: Are we checking out our son?!  
  


**RICK**: No, we are not. Now what do I do with this door?  
  


**EVY**: Open it.  
  


**RICK**: Ah.  
  


Rick grabs a crowbar and tries to knock the door down. After a few tries he steps back, panting.  
  


**EVY**: You always make things difficult - don't you?  
  


She walks up to the door, twists the handle, and opens it.  
  


**RICK**: Why didn't you tell me that sooner?  
  


**EVY**: I like watching you scrunch up your face and grunt.  
  


Cut to the next room. People with towels around their waists are sitting on the slabs of rocks lined on the wall talking to each other. Some pour water on the rocks to create steam.  
  


Rick and Evy enter, not acknowledging the sauna-people. The floor is littered with ladybugs, crawling through skulls.  
  


**SAUNA PERSON 1**: Umm, how are we getting steam from this water if these rocks aren't hot?  
  


**SAUNA PERSON 2**: Beats me.  
  


They shrug and the camera zooms back over to Rick and Evy.  
  


**EVY**: Ever since I had that dream, this place is all I can think about.  
  


She jumps onto the floor and steps in between all the ladybugs.  
  


**RICK**: And ever since you had that dream I haven't been able to spell 'tofu' backwards.  
  


Rick steps between the ladybugs, stops and squeals.  
  


**RICK**: Evy! I found one without spots! Come here and look at it Evy! Look at it! Can I keep it?  
  


**EVY**: I've been here before. I know I've been here before.  
  


**RICK**: *Pets his ladybug* Evy, nobody's been here for at least 3000 years, 'cept for these guys.   
  


He motions to the sauna people, who are chatting between one another.  
  


Evy walks over to a door, which has a gigantic neon sign above it, proclaiming 'THIS WAY TO THE TUTU OF ANUBIS.'  
  


**EVY**: Then how do I seem to know exactly where I'm going?  
  


Cut to Alex in the main chamber. He runs over and puts another piece of cheese on a mousetrap, which snaps and catches his fingers.  
  


**ALEX**: AHHHH! HOLY &^%#*!!! THIS %^#& THING GOT MY $^#*$ HAND!!!  
  


He gets it off his hand, just in time. Three men come in carrying guns. Alex runs up and hides in the scaffolding. The men begin looking through all the artifacts for something.  
  


One man calls out to Alex.  
  


**RED**: Do you know where the O'Connells went?  
  


**ALEX**: Down that passage and to the right.  
  


**RED**: Thank you.  
  


**ALEX**: You're welcome... no, wait! D'Oh!  
  


The man goes into the passage.


	3. Visions of the Past

Cut to another chamber. Rick enters first, petting his ladybug, then Evy. Evy sways a bit then waves her torch. The walls instantly change into metal, and the ground turns into a disco floor. 70's music starts playing, and a disco ball descends from the ceiling.

**EVY**: Hey, wait a minute. We haven't had the 70's yet. Oh, well.

Evy shrugs and starts dancing. She waves her torch and *POOF!* she's back in Egypt. She begins waving it around, trying to go back to the disco. The letters 'E-V-Y' appear in the air from her torch.

**RICK**: Whoa, cool. I wanna try!

He puts his ladybug on his shoulder and starts waving his torch around. The ladybug loses balance and is catapulted by Rick's shoulder right into the flame. We hear a horrible high-pitched squeak followed by a sizzling noise.

**RICK**: NOOOOOOOO! HORNBLOWER!!!!!

Rick bursts into tears while Evy goes over and kicks the stone door in.

**EVY**: HIIIIII-YA!!!

**RICK**: All right, now you're starting to scare me.

**EVY**: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**RICK**: Right...

Cut back to the main chamber. Alex and Jacques are having a stare-off while Spivey goes and eats the O'Connells lunches. Jacques blinks.

**ALEX**: Ha ha! You blinked!

**JACQUES**: Zis place... eez cursed. I nevair lose a staring contest...

Alex hits Spivey on the butt with his slingshot.

**ALEX**: STAY OUT OF MY HO-HO'S!!!

Cut to Red in the sauna room. He jumps in and squishes a bunch of ladybugs. The sauna people jump down and start beating him.

**RED**: Ow! Eee! Yow!

Then they let him be on his way.

**SAUNA PERSON 1**: Serves him right for squishing our ladybugs.

Cut to the O'Connells entering another room. The skeletons of two guards are in the corner, in a very, um, inappropriate position. Rick and Evy gag and walk over to the chest.

**RICK**: Should we open it?

We see Red slowly sneaking up behind the O'Connells with his gun loaded.

**EVY**: Of course. It's only a chest. No harm ever came from opening a chest.

**RICK**: Yeah, no harm ever came from eating a Big Bean Burrito before a 3-hour bus ride, you remember how that one went.

**EVY**: Only half the people suffocated!

**RICK**: Just remember, I was the voice of reason here.

**EVY**: As always... no, wait, for once.

Evy takes a pin out of her hair and begins to pick the lock.

**RICK**: Here, let's do it my way.

Rick pulls out a flamethrower and melts the gold lock. Evy opens the chest. Inside is a frilly, pink... tutu?

**EVY**: Oh my God... The Tutu of Anubis!


	4. The Tutu of Anubis

Cut to Red. He points his gun at the O'Connells, who gape at the tutu as an earthquake shakes the temple. 

**EVY**: What was that?

She shuts the lid of the chest.

**RICK**: Why'd you do that?

**EVY**: To make it stop?

**RICK**: Uh, no.

Red runs away.

Evy picks up the chest and hands it to Rick.

**EVY**: Here, put it in your bag.

**RICK**: Why?

**EVY**: So we can take it.

**RICK**: Why would we want to do that?

**EVY**: JUST DO IT!!!

**RICK**: Jeez, okay, okay. But first I think you should read the top of the chest so the audience knows how we're about to die.

**EVY**: *Reading* He-who-disturbs-this-tutu-shall-piss-in-the-Nile. Well, that doesn't sound _too bad._

We get a shot of Red running down the hall. The wall explodes with water and the O'Connells swim over to a grate. The water starts to fill up their little room.

Cut to Red running into the main chamber.

**RED**: Spivey, Jacques! Let's get the hell outta here!

Spivey looks up, his mouth full of peanut butter and jelly. Jacques goes over and kicks the scaffolding Alex is standing on.

**JACQUES**: Zat eez for zee staring contest...

Cut back to the O'Connells. They are holding onto a grate as the water almost covers their heads.

**EVY**: Get the key Jack! Hurry Jack! HURRY!

**RICK**: Who the frick is Jack?

Cut back to Alex. The scaffolding shakes and wobbles before falling over, pushing one of the stone columns and starting a 'domino' effect.

The pillars finish falling and Alex is seen on the ground, dirty with flyaway hair. He looks around.

**ALEX**: Craaackpot...

Cut back to the O'Connells.

**EVY**: JACK!!! HURRY!!!

**RICK**: WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!?!?!?!

Cut back to Alex. The last pillar begins to fall. Alex runs over to try and hold it up.

**AUDIENCE**: This kid is stupid.

Cut back to the O'Connells, who are completely covered by water.

**EVY**: *blub* JA-*blub*

**RICK**: *blub*SH-*blub*

Cut back to Alex. He suddenly gains some intelligence and lets the pillar fall, creating a major hole in the wall.

The O'Connells fly out, gasping and coughing.

**ALEX**: Mum, Dad... why is the water around you turning yellow?

**RICK & EVY**: THE CURSE!!!


	5. The Unholy Treasure

Cut to Hamunaptra. We see lots and lots of diggers digging. (I'm very articulate. ^_^)

**SUBTITLES**: _HAMUNAPTRA - City of the Dead._

Cut to Lock-Jaw.

**LOCK-JAW**: The Book of the Dead gives life...

Enter Meela.

**MEELA**: And the Book of the 101 Lame Mummy Jokes... makes people cry.

**LOCK-JAW**: I thought that was _my job._

**MEELA**: We're getting close.

**LOCK-JAW**: Really?

**MEELA**: No, but it makes me sound important.

Cut to a gigantic searchlight.

**AUDIENCE**: AHHH! THE LIGHT!!! 

The camera moves away from the light and we see the curator.

**AUDIENCE**: EWW!!!!

Cut to an old red truck driving down the sand at 100 MPH, hitting random workers. It slows, stops, and Red, Jacques, and Spivey get out.

The curator walks up to them.

**CURATOR**: Did you acquire it?

Suddenly a gigantic earthquake shakes the dig site. 

Cut to the gigantic hole the diggers are digging. A mound of sand starts to rise up. It gets higher and higher.

Suddenly it pops open and about a thousand scarabs run out.

**SCARABS**: FREEDOM!!!

Then they stop. The workers look at the bugs, and the bugs look at the workers. A couple of the bugs blink.

**RANDOM DIGGER**: Aww... how _cute!_

He is beaten to death by his colleagues.

Suddenly the scarabs all put out tiny Bill Clinton masks.

**DIGGERS**: AHHHHHHHHHH!

All the diggers scramble to get out of the pit, while the scarabs chase after them, chanting in very high voices.

**SCARABS**: I did not have a sexual relationship with that woman. I did not have a sexual relationship with that woman. I did not--

**ANOTHER RANDOM DIGGER**: AHHHHHHH! MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!

A couple of men with flamethrowers go over to the pit and starts blasting the evil Clinton-scarabs to hell.

We zoom over to Meela and Lock-Jaw.

**MEELA**: We're getting _very close._

**LOCK-JAW**: Really?

**MEELA**: NO!

They go over and get in a car. (I don't know why they do this, because they're both in the next scene. o_O)

Cut back to the flamethrower-dudes.

**FLAMETHROWER-DUDE 1**: DIE EVIL SCUM!!!!

The camera moves and we can see the curator.

**AUDIENCE**: EWW!!!

Someone yells something incoherent, but the curator understands it anyway.

**CURATOR**: We found him!

And they all start running over to an entirely different place than the one they were digging in. A couple of diggers are singing the _Survivor_ theme. (Which is actually a Russian folksong.)

**DIGGERS**: Ay-hey-hoi-hoi-hoi-ay-ha-ah-ey-hey-hoi-ay-hoi-ey-ha-ah.

**CURATOR**: SHUT UP!

We see a large crane lowering a two big chunks of, what looks like, petrified boogers.

The curator goes up to them and looks into one.

**CURATOR**: It's him! It's Imhotep!

Meela runs her hand over the hard glop without touching it.

**AUDIENCE**: Well, duh! Who _would touch it?_

**MEELA**: And what about the other one?

**CURATOR**: Take it anyway. We can sell it.

**LOCK-JAW**: Now we must raise those who serve him.

He takes a jar from a worker as we hear some off-screen grumbling.

**RED**: Get out of my way. Get out of the way.

Meela, Lock-Jaw, and the curator turn to look at where the voice had come from. Cut to Red.

**RED**: Get out of my way or I'm gonna shoot 'choo in the face!

**SPIVEY**: He means it, he shot someone before.

The worker doesn't move. Red takes out his gun and, well, shoots him in the face.

**WORKER**: AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

The curator walks to them.

**CURATOR**: Give it to me.

Red raises and eyebrow and the curator blushes.

**RED (WHISPERING)**: Later.

**MEELA**: Did you get the tutu?

**RED**: The, uh, opportunity passed us by.

**CURATOR**: We need that tutu.

**LOCK-JAW**: And we need it _before it opens._

Everyone draws their guns. Jacques moves Spivey's gun so it _is pointed at Red's head._

**MEELA**: Enough! Jeez, why do I put up with you?

They all lower their guns.

**CURATOR**: Well, you... you put up with me because I can read and write Ancient Egyptian... and I can decipher hieroglyphics _and heretic, and well, I am the only person with in a thousand miles who knows how to properly code and, and catalog this library, that's why!_

Meela raises an eyebrow.

**MEELA**: Now I know you wanted to play the part of Evelyn but that's no reason to go around quoting her like a sore loser!

**CURATOR (MUMBLING)**: I can act ten times better than that Rachel bitch.

A bunch of Evy fans come out from the audience and beat him.

**MEELA**: My dear Hafez, I _told you I should've handled it!_

**CURATOR**: I did not want your past history as a Nazi to cloud the issue.

**MEELA**: Oh. Hey, wait a minute!

**CURATOR**: Besides, you make the best anchovy-and-spinach-on-pumpernickel-with-strawberry-jam-sandwich I've ever had.

**MEELA**: Err... thanks.

**RED**: Don't you worry ma'am, we know where it is. We'll take care of it.

**CURATOR**: No, we'll take care of it. I have a different chore for you now.

**SPIVEY**: You don't want us to wash your underwear again, do you?

**CURATOR**: No.

**MEELA**: Where is the tutu?

**RED**: It's on its way to Honolulu, Hawaii.

**CURATOR**: Then Hawaii is where we must go.

Red sniggers, but no one notices. The curator walks through the crowd, and we see Ardeth, wrapped in a maroon blanket.

Cut to Hawaii.

**CURATOR**: Okay, is this someone's idea of a joke?!?

Cut to London, the O'Connell chicken coop.

**EVY**: I think the tutu is some sort of guide, to the Oasis of O-Wah-Ta-Gu-Siam.

**RICK**: The oasis of what?

**EVY**: O-Wah-Ta-Gu-Siam.

**RICK**: Could you say it a little faster?

**EVY**: OhWahTaGuSiam.

**RICK**: Faster.

**EVY**: OhwhatagooseIam!

Rick breaks down laughing.

**EVY**: _What is so funny?_

**RICK**: Nothing. Let me guess -  you want to go out and look for it.

**EVY**: Precisely.

**RICK**: No. We just got home!

**EVY**: Well that's the beauty of it - we're already packed!

**RICK**: But everything needs to be washed...

**EVY**: Screw the washing.

**RICK**: Why don't you just give me _3000 good reasons..._

**EVY**: It's just an oasis, snugglebuns.

**RICK**: Please don't call me that.

**EVY**: An ugly, boring, disgusting oasis... no, wait.

**RICK**: Exactly my point...

**EVY**: Screw you.

**RICK**: Nice try.


	6. Alex's New Tutu

Cut to two Ferraris driving through the rain up to the O'Connell chicken coop. Their headlights suddenly turn out.

**CURATOR**: Stupid, cheap, low-quality light bulbs!

The cars stop and the doors open. Seawater, along with some seaweed, sand, and several shellfish, pour out onto the O'Connell's driveway.

**MEELA**: We _could have taken a plane but __nooooo, Hafez *insisted* that we use __his cars. Who's fricken idea was it to go to Hawaii anyway?!_

Cut to Alex upstairs carrying the chest.

**ALEX**: Mom! What do I do with this chest? Sucker weighs a God dang ton.

**EVY**: Alex watch your language!

**ALEX**: This @&#^ piece of $&#*% weighs a *$^#%# ton.

**EVY**: Much better.

Alex puts the chest on a table. Suddenly we hear a toilet flushing noise. Alex looks up. Both of his parents are flirting on the landing, and the flush was defiantly near-by.

Cut to the O'Connells flirting on the landing.

**RICK**: Evy, that first weird dream of your was exactly six weeks ago, right?

**EVY**: No, but continue.

**RICK**: It just happens to coincide with Chinese New Year.

**EVY**: Gung hay fat choy.

**RICK**: What?

**EVY**: Nevermind.

Cut to Alex. He lifts the top off the chest (because his father had already melted the lock) and looks inside. The tutu had popped open, some way or another...

Alex puts on the tutu. It snaps onto his waist and begins to project a holographic image. It is the pyramids at Giza, then it takes off, flying over two oasises, three Jack-In-The-Boxes, one Chuck-E-Cheese and a casino until it gets to the ruins of Karnak.

The image disappears. Alex looks at the tutu and twists, turns, and pulls a few things. He presses a button and another hologram is projected. This one is of one of the more scandalous scenes from _Moulin Rouge_. Alex grins.

Cut to Rick and Evy flirting on the landing. Again.

**RICK**: Have I kissed you today?

**EVY**: Yes.

**RICK**: Oh. Okay, then.

They kiss.

**AUDIENCE**: EWW!!!

**EVY**: I _hate it when you do that._

**RICK**: Why?

**EVY**: It gives me a craving for peanutbutter and lime ice cream.

Rick swings her over to kiss her again, but goes a little too far and Evy falls on the floor.

**EVY**: Ow...

She looks up at the bookshelf. 

**EVY**: Those knickers, are not mine.

**RICK**: What are knickers?

Evy points to the bra draped over the bookshelf.

**RICK**: Well, of course it couldn't be yours! For one thing, it's much bigger than the ones you--

Evy slaps his leg _very hard._

**RICK**: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!


	7. The Siege of O'Connell Chickencoop

Cut to Jonathan and some blonde prostitute walking down another hall.

**JONATHAN**: So then I killed the mummy and all his minions and stole his stick-thing.

**PROSTITUTE**: I don't care.

**JONATHAN**: Did I mention I'm rich?

**PROSTITUTE (DISGUSTED)**: What do you think I'm _doing here?_

**JONATHAN**: *Grins* Me.

The prostitute rolls her eyes as men in red come in looking all scary and stuff.

**JONATHAN**: Sorry, we must be in the wrong chicken coop.

**PROSTITUTE**: I thought you said _this was your chicken coop!_

**JONATHAN**: I lied.

The prostitute sighs and walks down the hall and disappears forever. The men in red throw Jonathan into a chair.

**JONATHAN**: You're not Sheila's husband, are you?

**CURATOR**: Actually, yes, but that's not why I'm here.

**JONATHAN**: Look, if you work for Jonny I was gonna pay him back on Tuesday.

**CURATOR**: All right, but no later than Tuesday, you hear?

**JONATHAN**: Yes, ma'am.

**CURATOR**: But that *still* isn't the reason why I'm here.

**JONATHAN**: Great.

They sit in silence for about five minutes.

**CURATOR**: Well, aren't you going to ask why I'm here?

**JONATHAN**: Not exactly.

**CURATOR**: Fine. We are looking for the tutu of Anubeez.

**JONATHAN**: Oh, good. Good for you. Good thing to have, the ol' tutu of Anubeez.

**CURATOR**: Where is it?

**JONATHAN**: Ah, you're looking here for the tutu, I see. Well, I have no idea what you're talking about.

**CURATOR**: Mr. O'Connell you try my patience.

**JONATHAN**: Mr. O'Connell? No wait, hold on a minute, you've got the wrong man.

**CURATOR**: We do?

**JONATHAN**: Yes, I'm his brother-in-law, Jonathan.

**CURATOR**: Oh, well. In that case we'll kill you anyway. Where is the tutu?

**JONATHAN**: How should I know? I've spent the last three days in my room with a prostitute and ten bottles of vodka!

One of the men in red puts a sword to his throat.

**JONATHAN**: Ah, yes, _that tutu, I remember now. I, uh, I lost it in a card game._

**CURATOR**: I thought you said you didn't know where the tutu is.

**JONATHAN**: I _don't!_

The curator notices the gold stick thing Jonathan has. He picks it up.

**CURATOR**: It can't be!!!

**JONATHAN**: What can't be?

**CURATOR**: I don't know, but this gold stick is supposed to be important.

**JONATHAN**: Well, in that case, can I have it back now?

**CURATOR**: Sure.

The curator gives the gold stick back to Jonathan just as Meela enters, wearing a coconut bra and grass skirt that she picked up in Hawaii. She is carrying a basket.

**JONATHAN**: Well, hello.

**MEELA**: Where's your wife?

**CURATOR**: This is not Mr. O'Connell.

**MEELA**: I know. Where's your wife?

**JONATHAN**: My wife? Oh, you mean Julia...

**MEELA**: Yes, Julia! That blonde bitch you left me for!!!

Meela breaks down sobbing.

**CURATOR**: Ah, well, um, shall we proceed in killing you?

**JONATHAN**: Of course.

**MEELA**: NO!

**JONATHAN**: No?

**CURATOR**: No?

**MEELA**: _I want to kill him!_

**JONATHAN**: Oh.

**CURATOR**: Oh.

Meela reaches into the basket and takes out a Barney action figure.

**JONATHAN**: AHHHHHHHHHH!

Rick enters. 

**RICK**: Uh, hel-lo. Uh, Jonathan, I thought I said no more wild parties.

Cut to Alex and Evy. Alex is searching through Evy's pockets for something. We see Alex has untucked his shirt to cover the tutu, which is still pretty obvious considering the huge tire-like bulge around his middle.

**ALEX**: Mum, I serious. If you've lost that cucumber you're grounded.

**EVY**: I haven't _lost it, I just can't __find it! There's a difference!_

**ALEX**: Well, you'd better start _finding it then!_

Lock-Jaw enters.

**LOCK-JAW**: Well hello, Clarise.

**EVY**: What?

**LOCK-JAW**: Nevermind. Can I have the chest?

**EVY**: No.

**LOCK-JAW**: Oh. All right them. Have a nice day.

Lock-Jaw exits.

**STEPHEN SOMMERS**: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HOLD ON A MINUTE! ADEWALE!!! GET BACK IN HERE!!!

**ADEWALE**: Yes?

**STEPHEN SOMMERS**: You're supposed the _take the chest - THEN leave!_

**ADEWALE**: Oops?

**STEPHEN SOMMERS**: Okay, let's try this again! Start with Evy! "Get out... of my house." Got it?

**CAST**: GOT IT!

**STEPHEN SOMMERS**: OKAY ON MY COUNT! 9... 2... 6... 4... 7... ACTION!!!

**DYLAN**: Who's idea was it to get him a toy microphone for his birthday?

Evy pulls out a sword from a display in the living room. (Why sharp swords would be at reach in a chicken coop with an 8-year-old boy is beyond me. o_O)

**EVY**: Get... out... of my chicken coop.

A lone chicken trots across the living room. Everyone stops and stares as it exits through the front door.

**DYLAN**: Umm... okay. That was rather odd... can we get back to the film now?

**ALEX**: Okay. Whoa Mum, maybe not the best idea...

More men come.

**ALEX**: _Definitely_ not the best idea. It think it's time to yell for Dad now...

**EVY**: Your father is a bigger wuss than _I am!_

**LOCK-JAW**: Now I will kill you and take it anyway.

**ARDETH (OFFSCREEN)**: PSYCHE!!!

Ardeth enters.

**EVY**: Ardeth, what are you doing here?

**ARDETH**: Do you want me to leave?

**EVY**: No.

**ARDETH**: Then don't ask questions.

**LOCK-JAW**: Ardeth Bay.

**ARDETH**: Lock-Jaw.

Cut back to Rick, Jonathan, and the Hawaiian babe.

**PATRICIA**: HEY!!!

**DYLAN**: Sorry, Patricia.

Jonathan continues screaming.

**JONATHAN**: AHHHHHHHHHH!

**RICK**: What are you yelling at?

He sees the Barney action figure Meela is holding.

**RICK**: AHHHHHHHHHH!

**JONATHAN**: AHHHHHHHHHH!

**RICK**: AHHHHHHHHH!

**JONATHAN**: AHHHHHHHHHH!

**CURATOR**: WAZZZZZZZUP!

**MEELA**: WASSSSSSABI!

**RICK**: AHHHHHHHHH!

**JONATHAN**: AHHHHHHHHHH!

**CURATOR**: WAZZZZZZZUP!

**MEELA**: WHAT ARE YOOOOOOOOOU DOING?

Everyone stops and looks at Meela. Meela throws the Barney action figure at Rick. He throws it to the curator, who throws it to Jonathan, who throws it back to Meela. For the next five minutes a silent game of Hot Potato is played.

Rick drops it.

**RICK**: Crap.

**MEELA**: Ha ha!

The other men in red begin shooting at Rick, who grabs Jonathan and rolls into the bathroom. Meela and the curator hum the _Mission Impossible theme._

**MEELA & CURATOR**: Dum dum dum da da dum dum dum dum da dum! Dunna duh! Dunna duh! Du-

**RICK & JONATHAN**: SHUT UP!!!

**CURATOR**: You hurt my feelings...

**RICK & JONATHAN**: SORRY!!!

Cut back to Evy and Ardeth.

**LOCK-JAW**: MOOOOO!!!

A battle scene starts. Evy turns around and does a couple cartwheels, kicking a man in red under the chin. Ardeth pulls out his sword and everyone fights. Alex hides in a corner, forgetting about the chest.

Evy pulls a couple fancy sword moves to knock a few men in red down.

**ALEX**: Whoa Mom! When did you learn to do _that?_

**EVY**: Fencing class, 1923.

**ALEX**: Oh...

The battle continues. One man backs Evy into a wall. She punches the crap out of him.

**EVY**: _That I learned from you._

**ALEX**: Go me!

Cut back to Jonathan and Rick in the bathroom. Rick is too busy dodging bullets to notice Jonathan is missing.

**AUDIENCE**: Hey wait a minute! People can't dodge bullets!

**DYLAN**: Okay, so they're not as stupid as I thought they were...

**AUDIENCE**: HEY!!!

Cut back to Ardeth. He's waving his sword around and showing off his skill.

**ARDETH**: OHHHHHHH..... SKILL!!!!

**LOCK-JAW**: Not bad, for a MedJai.

**ARDETH**: ARE YOU DISSING MY SKILL? YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN!

Cut to Rick in the bathroom. He kicks the door shut. The guys in red blast the entire bathroom to kingdom come without hitting Rick. (Oddly enough... o_O)

Cut back to the main floor. Ardeth and Lock-Jaw start fighting. Lock-Jaw is beating the crap out of Ardeth as some guy grabs the chest off of the table.

**ARDETH**: WHAT'S IN THE CHEST?

**EVY**: ARE YOU SUGGESTING I HAVE _IMPLANTS?!?!?!_

**DYLAN**: Dear God...

Some other guy comes and hits Evy on the head too lightly for her to lose consciousness, but she does anyway. The guy picks her up and puts her over his shoulder then runs out.

Lock-Jaw punches Ardeth one last time before running out. All the men in red follow.

Cut to Rick in the holy bathroom.

**RICK**: JONATHAN!

He looks around. No answer.

**RICK**: JONATHAN!

Jonathan pops up out of the bathtub, which is filled with bubbles. Rick grabs him by the front of his suit and pulls him out.

**RICK**: WHAT'D YOU DO THIS TIME?

**JONATHAN**: I haven't done anything to anybody...

A man in red begins shooting them from the next room.

**JONATHAN**: Lately.

**RICK**: OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!!!

Rick starts running towards the window, still holding on to Jonathan. They hit the glass and bounce back.

**RICK**: What the--?

They try again while the man continues shooting. They bounce back again.

**RICK**: Damn the person who invented bulletproof glass...

They finally decide on a small window above the toilet. As Rick is climbing up, he knocks down Evy's prized potted fern.

**RICK**: Oh, crap.

**JONATHAN**: Old Mum'll have your head for that.

They finally succeed on getting onto the roof. They jump into the bushes as more men shoot them from upstairs.

**JONATHAN**: NAH-NE-NAH-NE-BOO-BOO!!!

Jonathan sticks his tongue out at the men in red, who begin cursing. Rick and Jonathan run around the chicken coop to the driveway. They see two Ferraris pulling away.

**RICK**: Hey, I want a Ferrari!

We see Evy out of the back windshield of one of them.

**EVY**: @&#^$!!!! #&@^#%!!!!!

A hand comes up and puts a white cloth over her head and pulls her back. Cut to Rick.

**RICK**: SORRY ABOUT THE FERN!!!

**EVY**: YOU KILLED MY FERN?!?!? #&$^# YOU!!!

The car speeds away and Ardeth and Alex run up to Rick and Jonathan.

**ALEX**: Dad!

**RICK**: You okay?

**ALEX**: Yeah.

**RICK**: Good. WHAT THE $#*$& WERE YOU THINKING???

**ALEX**: Ow, my neck...

Rick sees Ardeth. He pulls him by his robes up against some statue in the driveway.

**RICK**: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?

Ardeth opens his mouth to speak.

**RICK**: No, scratch that. I don't care. WHO ARE THOSE GUYS AND WHERE ARE THEY TAKING MY WIFE?!?!?

**ARDETH**: My friend, I haven't the slightest clue, and about now I'm supposed to show you a picture that I don't have, so screw this whole scene.

**ALEX**: Okay... let's get in the car and go to the British Museum.

**RICK**: Why would we want to do that?

**ALEX**: Dad, haven't you read the script?

**RICK**: Uhh...

**ALEX**: Oh screw this! Everyone follow me, Dad start talking.

They walk to the other side of the chicken coop.

**RICK**: Okay. You're here... bad guys are here... Evy's been kidnapped. Let me guess.

**ARDETH**: Okay.

**RICK**: Okay what?

**ARDETH**: I'll let you guess.

**RICK**: Okay. Umm... they're having a big sale at Macy's and need Evy to beat all competition to the check-out aisle?

**ARDETH**: Uh, no.

**RICK**: Umm... they need someone to take care of their potted ferns?

**ARDETH**: No.

**RICK**: They needed a new librarian?

**ARDETH**: NO! THEY ONCE AGAIN REMOVED THE CREATURE FROM HIS GRAVE!!!

**RICK**: Oh.

Jonathan points at Ardeth.

**JONATHAN**: Isn't it your job to make sure that _doesn't happen?_

**ARDETH**: Whoa, no pointing fingers.

**JONATHAN**: Sorry.

**ARDETH**: The woman who was with him--

**JONATHAN**: You mean Meela?

**ARDETH**: I guess... Well anyways, she knows things no living person could possible know.

**RICK**: Such as...?

**ARDETH**: She knew the winning lottery numbers--

**RICK**: That would explain the Ferraris...

**ARDETH**: --the meaning of life, the exact number of stars in the sky...

**JONATHAN**: We get it! We get it!

**ARDETH**: And now she has the tutu - doesn't she?

**ALEX**: I wouldn't get too nervous just yet.

He pulls up his shirt, revealing the tutu for Ardeth to see.

Ardeth looks at the tutu.

**ALEX**: When I stuck it on I saw the pyramid at that place, then WOOSH! Straight across the desert to some other place...

**ARDETH**: By putting this on you have started a chain reaction that could bring about the next apocalypse.

**ALEX**: *Gasp.*

**AUDIENCE**: Hey wait a second! How can there be a _next apocalypse? If there had been one before, they wouldn't know about it!_

**DYLAN**: JUST SHUT UP AND WATCH THE DAMN MOVIE!!!

**ENTIRE CAST**: Thank you, Dylan.

**RICK**: You, get your facts straight. You, big trouble. You, get in the car.

Cut to a shot of the car driving away, swerving and turning horribly.

**ALEX**: How come you made _me drive?_

**RICK**: Wuss.

**ARDETH**: I wouldn't be talking... Anyway, I'm sorry If I alarmed your son, but you must understand. Once the tutu is on his waist we have only seven days until the Scorpion Princess wakes up.

**RICK**: We? What we? I never head of any 'we'. Oh, no. Not w--

**ARDETH**: If he is not killed he will raise the Army of Anubis.

**JONATHAN**: I take it that's not a good thing.

**RICK**: Oh, he'll wipe out the world.

**ARDETH**: Especially since he got new ideas from reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

**JONATHAN**: Ah, the old 'wipe out the world with characters from J.K. Rowling books' ploy.

**ARDETH**: Whoever kills the Scorpion Princess can send his army of Blast-Ended Skrewts to the Underworld, or use it to destroy mankind and rule the earth.

**RICK**: And his regular army?

**ARDETH**: They got fired.

**RICK**: Oh. So that's why they dug up Imhotep, 'cuz he's the only guy tough enough to take out the Scorpion Princess.

**ARDETH**: That is their plan.

**ALEX**: How do you know all this?

**ARDETH**: I don't know. Ask Stephen.

Alex turns to the director.

**ALEX**: Stephen, how does Ardeth know all this?

**STEPHEN SOMMERS**: I don't know. Ask Dylan.

**ALEX**: Dylan, how does Ardeth kn--

**DYLAN**: JUST GO WITH IT!!!

**ALEX**: Fine.

(Author's note: Yes, I know that Ardeth knows all this because he was in disguise at the dig in Hamunaptra.)

They pull up in the parking lot of the British Museum. It is pouring rain.

**RICK**: All right Alex I've got a big job for you. I want you to stay here and protect the car.

**JONATHAN**: I can do that!

**ALEX**: 'Protect the car.'? C'mon Dad! Just because I'm a kid doesn't mean I'm _stupid!!!_

**RICK**: I know.

**ALEX**: DAD!!!

**JONATHAN**: If you see anyone come running out screaming, it's just me...

**RICK**: Maybe you should stay here, and watch him.

**JONATHAN**: Yes, now you're talking!

Cut to the back of the car. Rick pulls out a bunch of weapons. Notice that at this time it has stopped raining completely and the ground is bone-dry. o_O

**RICK**: You want the shotgun?

**ARDETH**: No, I prefer the Thompson.

**RICK**: Well you can't have it! _I'm using the Thompson!_

**ARDETH**: But I want it!

**RICK**: Too bad.

**ARDETH**: WAHHHHHHHH!!!!! I WANT IT!!!!!!

**RICK**: OH ALL RIGHT FINE BUT SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

**ARDETH**: Thank you.

They start messing around with their guns, and Ardeth notices the tattoo on Rick's hand that we haven't talked about before.

**ARDETH**: If I were to say to you, "I want a Quarter Pounder with cheese, a Diet Coke, and a McFlurry..."

**RICK**: Then I would say, "Would you like fries with that?" How'd--

**ARDETH**: Then it's true. You have the sacred mark.

He points to the tattoo of the double arches on Rick's hand.

**RICK**: What, that? No, that got slapped on me when I was learning to use a cattle prod...

**ARDETH**: That mark means you're a protector of Happy Meals. A warrior for Ronald. A MedJai.

**RICK**: Sorry, you've got the wrong moose.

**ARDETH**: What?

**RICK**: Man. Wrong man.


	8. Resurrection

Cut to the Egyptian wing of the British Museum. The men in red are chanting.

**MEN IN RED**: Whatanarseyouare... Whatanarseyouare...

(Author's note: That is actually what they are saying in the real movie. o_O)

Cut to Lock-Jaw, who is leading what seems to be a parade. Behind him are a bunch of men in red, five marching bands, twelve floats, and the Queen of England.

Lock-Jaw and the men in red step aside to let the precession pass. After about five minutes of balloons, streamers, trumpets, and girls named after various states... they get back to business.

A few men in red walk forward, carrying a slab of wood that Evy is tied to.

**MAN IN RED 1**: Dang, this thing weighs a ton!

**EVY**: I heard that!

They set her down on a stone table. This fully wakes her up. She notices she is beside another glob of petrified boogers.

We see the curator--

**AUDIENCE**: EWW!!!

--reading from the Book of the Dead.

**EVY**: Mr. Hafez.

Cut to Rick and Ardeth inside the museum. They walk forward very slowly with their guns loaded.

We go back to the curator who is still reading from the Book of the Dead, and looking like an idiot.

Cut back to Rick and Ardeth. Suddenly, all the mummies come to life and start shrieking madly.

Cut back to the main room thing and we zoom in on the petrified boogers.

**AUDIENCE**: *Puke*

We zoom back and wait for Ardeth and Rick to enter the frame. They don't, so we cut back to the inside of the museum to see what happened to them.

Ardeth, Rick, and a bunch of mummies are sitting at a table, drinking tea from porcelain cups and chatting quite nicely.

**DYLAN**: WHAT THE FRICK ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!? TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD?!?

Everyone looks at Dylan. 

**DYLAN**: YOU GUYS - GO BACK TO BEING DEAD, AND YOU TWO, WE'RE WAITING FOR YOU IN THE MAIN CHAMBER-HALL THING!!!

Rick and Ardeth hurry off while the mummies get back in their sarcophaguses.

**RICK (WHISPERING)**: Does she have PMS or something?

**DYLAN**: SHUT UP I HEARD THAT!!!

**RICK**: Crap.

We cut back to the main chamber thing and zoom out. Rick and Ardeth enter the frame LIKE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO A LONG TIME AGO!!!

**RICK**: Jeez, get off it already.

We zoom back in, and get a shot of the men chanting, Evy trying unsuccessfully to undo her handcuffs, and the curator reading from the book, still looking like an idiot.

Suddenly the petrified booger blob breaks apart and a corpse falls out.

**CORPSE**: Vhere am I? Vhat the-- Vhat's going on?

The curator blinks.

**CORPSE**: Who are you people? Vhere's my skin? I'm dead, aren't I? Damn zose scarab beetles...

A man in red walks up to the curator and hand him the Book of 101 Lame Mummy Jokes. Everyone else plugs their ears as the curator begins reading from it.

**CURATOR**: What did one mummy say to another after band practice?

**CORPSE**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**CURATOR**: 'Let's wrap this up.'

**CORPSE**: MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!

**CURATOR**: What's a mummy's favorite kind of music?

**CORPSE**: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

**CURATOR**: Wrap music.

**CORPSE**: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The corpse fall to the ground in a lifeless heap.

**STEPHEN SOMMERS**: So _that's what happened to Beni..._

**DYLAN**: Burn it and bring in the new, uh, specimen.

Beni's mummy is thrown onto a bonfire and two men wearing surgical outfits place the other blob of petrified boogers into the center.

**CURATOR**: Do I have to start this chanting thing all over again?

**DYLAN**: No. Just start from 'Yah-tu-way.'

**CURATOR**: Okay.

The curator hands the Book of 101 Lame Mummy Jokes to a man in red and continues from the Book of the Dead.

**CURATOR**: Yah-tu-way! Yah-tu-way!!! YAH-TU-WAY!!!

A rotted hand pops out of the amber crud. It stays there for a while. We hear a muffled grunting coming from inside the stuff.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: *Muffled* Uh, little help here?

Five men with sledgehammers go up to the crud and start whacking it. After a couple tries Imhotep is out. We zoom in on his face.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: Is there a Starbucks nearby?

**CURATOR (SUBTITLED)**: My Lord, there is one down the street.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: Good.

Imhotep takes off. We sit around doing nothing for about five minutes, waiting for his return. Finally he comes back, carrying a cup of coffee.

Suddenly the back door opens and someone wearing high heels comes out. We see that it is Meela. Evy gasps.

Suddenly the background changes into a beach and Meela's black dress is replaced with a bright red swimsuit. She begins to run forward in slow motion.

**EVY**: Baywatch.

Meela returns to normal and walks up to Imhotep and the curator. Imhotep checks her out.

**CURATOR**: Please do not feed the animals.

Meela quickly stuffs the cracker she had in her hand for Imhotep into her mouth.

**MEELA (SUBTITLED)**: I mm Amk-su-nabub reimcahna--

She chokes on the cracker. Imhotep laughs as she pukes it on the ground, coughing.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: Yup, that's you all right.

**MEELA** **(SUBTITLED)**: Shut up.

We zoom out to Rick and Ardeth. Rick slaps Ardeth on the back as he prepares to leaves the screen.

**ARDETH**: Ow!

**RICK**: Sorry. But you know, a couple of years ago, this would've seemed really strange to me. No, wait. This _is strange._

Rick shrugs and leaves the screen.

Cut to Lock-Jaw and the curator. They are about to open the chest that is supposed to be carrying the tutu. They open it. It's empty.

**LOCK-JAW**: The script writers don't make this easy for us, do they?

**CURATOR**: Oh, just go and find it.

**LOCK-JAW**: Ugh. Fine.

Cut to Alex and Jonathan sitting on the car.

**ALEX**: At the very top of the glass pyramid, there was a huge lump of plastic.

**JONATHAN**: Huge? How huge?

**ALEX**: I don't know, but it was one _big mound of melted Tupperware..._

Cut back to the corpse and the cracker lady.

**PATRICIA**: HEY!!!

**DYLAN**: Sorry, Patricia. (But the cracker episode _was rather amusing...)_

**PATRICIA**: I heard that!!! So far I've been the 'Hawaiian babe' and now the 'cracker lady'? Why not just call me the 'Hawaiian cracker' for Pete's sake!

**DYLAN**: All right, fine.

Cut back to the corpse and the Hawaiian cracker.

**PATRICIA**: *singsong voice* This director is starting to annoy me...

**DYLAN**: PATRICIA!!!

**PATRICIA**: Fine!

Meela turns to Imhotep.

**MEELA (SUBTITLED)**: I have a gift for you.

Imhotep gasps with surprise and delight as Meela hands him a red and green package with a gold bow.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: Oh, goody, goody!

Imhotep begins tearing away at the wrapping. Finally he is left with a brown box. He opens it. Inside are a pair of neon-pink swim trunks with little cows on them. 

**IMHOTEP**: Oooooooo…

He puts them on his head, like a cartoon character would.

**MEELA**: Oh God...

And for the next five minutes Meela shows Imhotep the _correct way to put on swim trunks. They look very tacky against his rotted flesh, but hey, __he likes them!_

**MEELA (SUBTITLED)**: I picked them up for you in Hawaii.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: Hawaii?

**MEELA (SUBTITLED)**: Nevermind.

Suddenly a man in red comes up to Meela.

**MAN IN RED (SUBTITLED)**: Should we burn her now, Meela?

**MEELA (SUBTITLED)**: Uh, yeah. Sure. Whatever.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: Burn who?

Meela motions to Evy.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: Oh. All right, then. BONFIRE!!!

Meela takes out a bag of marshmallows as a few men in red come and pick up Evy's wooden slab of a bed. (With her still on it, of course.) They bring it over to the big pit of fire.

**EVY**: You wait! I'll put you in your grave again!

Imhotep is busy with the marshmallows.

**EVY**: I _said--_

**MEELA**: Burn her.

**EVY**: _Thank you! No, wait._

The men in red start to tip her over into the fire.

**EVY**: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Suddenly Rick on a skateboard comes flying through the flames. He lands on the wood, which the men now have to drop because of the impact and his weight.

**RICK**: Hey look! I'm Tony Hawk!

**EVY**: Shut up and get me off this!

**RICK**: Ah, right.

He puts Evy over his shoulder and hops outs of the way as Ardeth begins shooting everything in sight from his little spot up in the museum balcony. Or fire escape. Or whatever.

Cut to Alex and Jonathan. They hear the gunshots and start to panic. They try to get into the car.

**ALEX**: Open it! Open it!

**JONATHAN**: I'm trying, I'm trying!

**DYLAN**: You people sound like that guy from that McDonalds commercial who said everything twice.

**ALEX & JONATHAN**: Sorry! Sorry!

**DYLAN**: Oh for the love of Egypt!

Cut back to the main chamber hall thing where a big gun fight is happening. Lock-Jaw throws Meela a shotgun.

**LOCK-JAW**: Here!

**MEELA**: I'm not shooting this thing; I hate guns!

A bullet almost grazes the side of her head.

**MEELA**: My hair! He shot my hair! Son of a bitch!

(_Spaceballs_ ref.)

Meela begins shooting her shotgun at Ardeth, but she loses balance and begins shooting at the ground. For some odd reason this makes her fly up in the air like in _Little Rascals._

**MEN**: Women.

Dylan, Rachel, and Patricia go and beat the crap out of all the men. Background music is heard.

**BACKGROUND MUSIC**: Charlie's Angels, C'mon!

Suddenly Drew, Cameron, and Lucy run through a door on the left.

**CAMERON**: We're on the wrong set, aren't we? I thought I heard our theme music...

Meanwhile Dylan goes over and worships Drew.

**DREW**: Oh, no. Is this the movie where the cute little birdie dies? I hate that part.

**DYLAN**: Can I have your autograph?

**DREW**: Sure.

After multiple autographs are signed, photos are taken, and whatnot, McG runs in.

**MCG**: Hey, you guys, we need you on the set!

**ANGELS**: Okay, coming!

(McG is the _Charlie's Angels director.)_

With one last farewell the Angels leave, which brings us back to our problem. Dylan, Rachel, and Patricia wait around for the men to regain consciousness. Finally, they do.

**DYLAN**: Okay, everyone grab a gun and start shooting!

The gunfight begins again. Rick takes out a pocketknife and twirls it around a bit, showing off. He drops it.

**RICK**: Crap.

**EVY**: Oh just untie me!

Rick takes out another knife and cuts the rope hand and leg cuffs on his wife. He hands her a gun.

Cut back to Jonathan and Alex. They have successfully made it _into the car. Now they are trying to get it __started._

**ALEX**: Hurry up!

**JONATHAN**: Come on, come on, come on!

**ALEX**: Who are you talking to - the keys?

Jonathan breaks concentration and the key snaps.

**JONATHAN**: Hey wait a minute! That was made out of steel!

**ALEX**: WHO CARES WHAT IT WAS MADE OUT OF???? YOU BROKE IT, YOU BROKE IT, YOU BROKE IT!

**JONATHAN**: I have insurance!

**ALEX**: OH SHUT UP!!!

**JONATHAN**: Be quiet Alex! If there's gonna be any hysterics they'll come from _me!!!_

Cut back to the gun fight. Everyone is pumping everyone else full of lead. Imhotep sees Rick.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: YOU!!!

**RICK**: Yes, ME!!!

Rick shoots Imhotep with his shotgun. Imhotep, of course, feels nothing whatsoever.

**IMHOTEP**: HA HA!!!

**RICK**: I hate this job.

Evy comes out from behind Rick and starts shooting stuff too. One of them shoots the flammable liquid stuff and it explodes. Rick and Evy begin running up the fire escape.


	9. The Soldier Mummies

Imhotep gets a sudden idea and walks away, pushing men to the ground. We see Ardeth shooting more stuff, and more crud explodes.

**AUDIENCE**: Oooooooo…

Evy and Rick continue to run up the fire escape as Imhotep brings a jar out of... somewhere.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: Collect your Beanie Babies! Gather your slugs! Shake the mold from your Band-Aids! Your master is MESSED!!!

Evy begins laughing as four soldier mummies in the form of dust fly out of the jar.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: What's so funny?

**EVY (SUBTITLED)**: Oh, nothing.

Imhotep turns to see all of his soldier mummies cracking up as well.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: What? What'd I say?

He shrugs.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: Oh, well. DESTROY THEM!!!

**RICK**: Oh, no not these guys _again!!!_

We zoom in to the soldier mummies' faces.

**SOLDIER MUMMIES**: WAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZUP?????

Cut to Alex and Jonathan inside the car. They hear the 'wazzup' and frantically get out of the car.

**JONATHAN**: What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

**ALEX**: You're asking _me? I'm only eight years old for cripes sake!_

Cut to Ardeth, Rick and Evy running out of the museum.

**PATRICIA**: How come _she never gets a stupid nickname?_

**DYLAN**: Because her name's only three letters long.

**PATRICIA**: Well, yeah, but 'Hawaiian cracker' has more letters than 'Meela' doesn't it?

**DYLAN**: Fine, whatever. You're Meela. Now what are you doing here? You're not even _in this scene!_

**PATRICIA**: Leaving. I just needed to sort out a few things about names...

**DYLAN**: Just go already!

**PATRICIA**: Gone.

_Patricia has left the chat room._

**DYLAN**: Stupid computer.

_Patricia has left the building._

**DYLAN**: OH SHUT UP!!!

ANYWAY, cut to Rick, Evy, and Ardeth running out of the museum. Evy turns around and starts to move the bench in front of the doors. Rick goes back and gets her.

**RICK**: Honey, what 'chu doing? These guys don't use doors.

The three run around the building. They see Rick's empty car.

**RICK**: All right, what did Jonathan do to my car _this time?_

Suddenly a huge red double-decker bus swerves in front of them, almost hitting them.

**ARDETH**: GAH!!!

**RICK**: What's the matter with my car?

**JONATHAN**: Well, I was forced to find an alternative means of transportation.

**RICK**: A DOUBLE DECKER BUS???

Jonathan points to Alex.

**JONATHAN**: It was his idea!

**ALEX**: Was not!

**JONATHAN**: Was too!

**ALEX**: Was not!

**RICK**: JUST GO!!! Oh, jeez.

Suddenly three mummies come bursting through the brick wall.

**RICK**: Where's the fourth one?

**SOLDIER MUMMY 1**: He hit the ventilation pipes.

**RICK**: Ah.

The O'Connell's bus speeds away. We see the advertisement the bus is carrying: 'Aspro - Stops Brain.' The soldier mummies jump and squash Rick's car. One stays behind to leave his name and address.

**RICK**: I'm gonna sue you for this!!!

**SOLDIER MUMMY 2**: I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT!!!

**RICK**: Oh, I _hate mummies._

**EVY**: Hey!!!

**RICK**: Only the Egyptian kind, though.

**EVY**: HEY!!!

**RICK**: I just can't win, can I?

**ARDETH**: Glad to see me now?

**RICK**: Hell yeah!

Rick hurries up to the top floor of the bus. The two remaining mummies are running after the bus.

**RICK**: Two. Pretty pathetic.

Suddenly they jump up and begin Spider-Man crawling on the buildings. 

**RICK**: Right.

Suddenly the laws of physics shows up.

**PHYSICS**: Now what exactly do you think _you're doing?_

**MUMMIES**: Umm... using the Force?

**PHYSICS**: That's what they ALL say! First Trinity, now you...

(Dot Matrix ref.)

**DYLAN**: Uh, Mr. Physics, ma'am?

**PHYSICS**: Yes?

**DYLAN**: Uh, this is a _movie. Stuff like this is __supposed to happen in a movie._

**PHYSICS**: Really?

**DYLAN**: Well, yeah.

**PHYSICS**: Oh, well, carry on then. I'd better go apologize to Trinity...

The laws of physics disappears, and the two mummies are hanging on for dear, uh, undeath to the buildings, having lost their momentum. Finally they end up just swinging and dropping down on top of the O'Connell's bus.

One mummy land on the top of the bus and the other swings down and enters through the back. Ardeth blasts one in half with his Thompson.

**ARDETH**: I hope that doesn't come back to haunt me.

The top half of the mummy swings in and starts beating him up.

**MUMMY**: _Now what am I supposed to do with my girlfriend?!?!_

**ARDETH**: That was more than I wanted to know.

Meanwhile on the top floor, Rick is doing a nice little dance and shooting holes in the ceiling.

**RICK**: Dee-dee-dee-di-dee-dah-doh-doh. Dee-pa-didi-doh!

**DYLAN**: IT'S NOT THE HAMPSTERDANCE YOU FRIGGIN RETARD!!!

**RICK**: Sorry.

Suddenly the mummy on the roof he'd been trying to shoot falls through some thin metal.

**MUMMY**: Whoa!

Rick falls backwards and his gun falls (a lot of falling in this scene) to the first floor of the bus.

The bus does some horrible turning and runs over a lamppost. Another car drives down the street and swerves into a brick wall to avoid collision with the bus.

Back on the first floor, Ardeth is getting the crap beaten out of him by half a mummy.

**ALEX**: This is sad...

The mummy grows some incredibly long fingernails and is about to finish Ardeth off when Evy blasts it to sand with the gun Rick dropped.

**ALEX**: Aww, mum! Just when it was getting good!

The bus drives through a Hooverville and a bunch of homeless people pick up some of the broken bus window that has spilled on them.

**HOMELESS PEOPLE**: DIAMONDS!!!

The bus jerks some more before heading for the low bridge. Neither Rick nor the mummy he is battling with can see the sign. The bus drives under, or should I say through, the bridge.

When Rick sees the front end of the bus collapsing, he takes a wild guess and throws himself onto the floor. The mummy is stupid and just stands there, gawking like an idiot.

After the bus has passed under the bridge we see the squashed road kill on the bridge sign.

**MUMMY**: Ow...


	10. Kidnapped

Rick pushes aside some debris and stands up on the moving bus.

**RICK**: Whoa, I'm surfing!

The bus is now driving over that really, really, big bridge in London. It pulls over somewhere in the middle.

**ALEX**: They should take away your license, Uncle Jon!

**JONATHAN**: Gah... goo... gee.... uhhh......

Cut to the first floor of the bus. Rick has somehow gotten down there, even though the stairway is blocked with shaved-off metal. Rick looks at Ardeth.

**RICK**: You all right?

**ARDETH**: This was... my first bus ride.

Evy motions Rick towards her.

**EVY**: What would I do without you?

**RICK**: A heckuva lot less, I'd say.

They kiss.

**ALEX**: Oh, jeez, get a room!

Alex walks to the back of the bus. Suddenly someone reaches over and grabs him. They pull Alex out of the bus.

**ALEX**: Let... go! Gah! Erasers! Cinnamon buns! Help!

Rick and Evy look up and run after him.

**RICK**: ALEX!!!

We see some men in red pushing Alex into their car. They start to drive off with one of their doors open. Rick chases after the car.

**RICK**: STOP!!! YOUR DOOR'S OPEN!!!

We see some guy pulling the correct switches to make the bridge go up. He runs out and gets in the car, too. Rick _still chases after the car._

**EVY**: Maybe he thinks he's a dog... 

The bridge begins to go up. The car is already on the other side of the bridge, but Rick still runs after it. He comes to the end of their bridge half and jumps. He misses and lands in the water below.

**EVY**: RICK!!!

Cut to a balcony. Meela is standing on it, looking out at London. Imhotep, wearing his pink swim trunks, approaches her.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: I shall now go to Oh-Wah-Ta-Gu-Siam and kill the Scorpion Princess.

**MEELA (SUBTITLED)**: And with his Army we shall rule the world... together.

Imhotep nods as the curator butts in.

**CURATOR (SUBTITLED)**: My Lord, there is something you must know. They have the gold stick thing. I have seen it.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: By the time we reach Oh-Wah-Ta-Gu-Siam, my powers will have regenerated, and I will have no need for the gold stick thing.

He begins to walk over to Meela, who steps backwards against a wall. He starts to put his mouth against hers.

**MEELA (SUBTITLED)**: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a sec. Here. Have this first.

She hands him a breath mint. He pops it in his mouth and gives the camera a cheesy grin.

**IMHOTEP**: Wint-O-Green.

After he sucks on it for a minute, he bites it. We can see sparks fly out of his mouth.

**AUDIENCE**: Oooooooo…

After he swallows it he goes back to try and kiss Meela. She still looks nervous so he transports the scenery to that of Ancient Egypt.

**AUDIENCE**: Oooooooo…

**MEELA**: Oooooooo…

They look around for a second before they finally kiss. About halfway through Imhotep brings them back to the real world. 

**AUDIENCE**: EWW!!!

They finish kissing. Meela looks a little queasy. Imhotep leaves. Meela throws up.

**PATRICIA**: Why... the... hell... did... I... let... you... talk... me... into... that?

Dylan hands her a toothbrush and some mouthwash. Patricia grabs it and leaves the screen, still retching. Dylan laughs.

Cut back to the O'Connells. Rick is wrapped in a blanket, shivering. Ardeth walks up to them.

**ARDETH**: Do not fear for your son, my friends. They cannot hurt him, for he wears the tutu of Anubis.

**EVY**: Alex is wearing the tutu?!?

**RICK**: When he put it on he said he saw the pyramids at 'that place', he saw the ruins at 'that other place'...

**ARDETH**: And when they get to 'that other place' the tutu will show him the next step of the journey.

**EVY**: Well then if we don't get to Karnak before them we won't know where to look for them next.

**RICK**: Who said it was Karnak?

**EVY**: Haven't you read the script?

**RICK**: Uhh...

**ARDETH**: Oh God...

**RICK**: It seems to me, like we need a magic carpet. 

Cut to the bottom of a train. The whistle blows and steam starts pouring out of it. It moves forward very slowly.

**TRAIN**: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

We see men in red standing on top of the train. One man loses his balance and falls off, screaming like a women.

**SUBTITLES**: _CAIRO, EGYPT_

Cut to the inside of a boxcar. Meela and the curator are talking.

**CURATOR**: When Lord Imhotep last encountered the O'Connells, they sent his immortal soul to Sesame Street. As powerful as he will become he is still vulnerable. 

**CURATOR**: Only with the Army of Blast-Ended Skrewts will he be invincible.

He takes out the Book of the Dead and waves his hand over it, chanting something we can't understand. He hands the book to Meela.

**CURATOR**: Keep this with you always.

**MEELA**: But it's so big and heavy! Where will I keep it?

**CURATOR**: I don't know. In your pocket.

**MEELA**: But there's a hole in my pocket, dear Liza, dear Liza. There's a hole in my pocket dear Liza, a hole.

**CURATOR**: Then fix it dear--

Suddenly Lock-Jaw enters, carrying Alex.

**ALEX**: Hey, the Book of the Dead!

**MEELA**: Yeah, so?

**ALEX**: Well, I just thought...

**MEELA**: What a smartass little kid. Your mother must be missing you terribly. If you wish to see her again you better behave.

**ALEX**: Okay.

**MEELA**: That's bett- what?! That's not what you're supposed to say!

**ALEX**: I know.

**MEELA**: Kids.

**DYLAN**: Ahem.

**MEELA**: Erm... I meant, uhh, _little kids, like, uhh, like under... umm... ten._

**DYLAN**: We better hope so. Now go threaten to put stuff in his bed.

**MEELA**: Right.

Meela turns back to Alex.

**MEELA**: Because your parents would slip garden hoses into your bed, while you were slee-ping.

Alex raises an eyebrow.

**MEELA**: I know, I know. It doesn't make ANY sense unless *you* say the line before it.

**ALEX**: That's not what didn't make sense...

**CURATOR**: Oh screw this. Lord Imhotep wishes to meet the boy.

**LOCK-JAW**: Now we'll see how brave you are.

He pushes Alex towards the next boxcar.

**ALEX**: Hey, watch the suit!

Alex and Lock-Jaw leave the set. Red, Jacques, and Spivey enter through the door on the opposite side of the boxcar. Spivey and Jacques are carrying the chest.

**RED**: Nice. Very nice.

**MEELA**: I can give you the decorator's number if you want to--

**CURATOR**: Did you acquire what we asked?

**RED**: Oh, we acquired it all right. You know what? We had to kill two of those 6-foot-tall rats in Chuck-E-Cheese's... to acquire it.

**MEELA**: Rats?

**RED**: You know those six-foot-tall rats who wear shirts, never talk, and go around giving random customers hugs?

**MEELA**: Ohhhhh... _thoooose _rats... I see...

**JACQUES**: Zis chest eez cursed.

He whips off the towel covering the chest and begins reading from it.

**JACQUES**: Eet sayz there is one, za undead, who will keel, all zose who open zis chest...

**CURATOR**: Yes, yes, and the creature will suck them dry and he become whole again. We've all heard this story before.

**RED**: Yeah, but I heard the yanks who found it nine years ago all died. Horrible deaths, they were. So with that in mind--

**SPIVEY**: We want ten.

Spivey puts his foot up on the chest. Jacques pushes it off.

**JACQUES (SUBTITLED)**: This chest must never be opened.

**CURATOR**: The agreement was for five.

**RED**: Yeah, well, we want ten. Or we'll take it elsewhere.

**CURATOR**: If you--

**MEELA**: Ten will be just fine. Do you want peppermints or jolly ranchers?

**RED**: Peppermints. And don't try to cheat us woman. We want ten and we'll get ten.

**MEELA**: Ten peppermints for one cursed chest. Got it.

Cut to the inside of the next boxcar. Alex is pushed inside, and we see a man dressed in black robes with a pink clown mask.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: Dear God it's hot in here...

**ALEX**: Umm, what's with the pink clown mask?

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: The costume store was out of evil-looking black ones.

**ALEX**: Oh.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: _Anyway, I know you can understand me little one. I know so because you respond to everything I say._

**ALEX**: Yeah...?

**IMHOTEP**: It is you who are the chosen one. You who will take me to Oh-Wah-Ta-Gu-Siam.

**ALEX**: Where?

**IMHOTEP**: Oh-Wah-Ta-Gu-Siam.

**ALEX**: Could you say it a little faster?

**IMHOTEP**: OhWahTaGuSiam.

**ALEX**: Faster?

**IMHOTEP**: OhwhatagooseIam!

Alex starts laughing. Imhotep pauses for a minute.

**IMHOTEP**: What? What'd I-- ohhhhhhhh...

Imhotep slaps his forehead. Alex continues laughing.

**IMHOTEP**: Okay, enough with the games. This tutu is a gift, and a curse.

**ALEX**: Hurray for it.

**IMHOTEP**: Yes. No! Wait.

**ALEX**: Yeah, yeah, I already heard this part. From the minute I put the tutu on, seven days do I have until the Scorpion Princess wakes up.

**IMHOTEP**: Did you also know, that if you do not enter the pyramid before the sun strikes it on that very morning, that the tutu will force you to do ballet until you die of embarrassment?

**ALEX**: That part I missed. Hey, wait a minute! That means I've only got five days left!

**IMHOTEP**: Then I believe it will be best if... uh... yeah. Just don't get us lost.

**ALEX**: My dad is going to kick your ass!

Imhotep pulls off the pink clown mask. Underneath is his real face of rotting flesh.

**ALEX**: Whoa, cool! Your face is all rotted off! Can I touch it? That's gross! Awesome! Wait'll I tell the girls at school, they'll freak out! 

Imhotep sighs and waves his hand. Lock-Jaw picks Alex up and they leave the boxcar.

After they leave, Meela, Red, Spivey, Jacques, and the chest enter.

**MEELA**: In here, gentlemen. You shall receive your uh... candy. That doesn't sound very dramatic, does it?

**DYLAN**: Just go with it.

**RED**: No tricks now woman. We're not giving up this chest 'till we're satisfied.

**MEELA**: Oh, don't worry. The candy is fresh this time.

**RED**: Better be.

The display of smoke and candles hisses eerily. Meela runs out and shuts the door quickly behind her. We hear several locks clicking into place.

Red pulls out his gun.

**RED**: What's going on?

**JACQUES**: Zis place... eez cursed.

**RED**: What is it with you and curses?

**SPIVEY**: He ain't happy without a good curse. Zis eez cursed! Zat eez cursed!

**RED**: Give it a rest, will ya?

The display of stuff hisses more and Imhotep, wearing nothing but his swim trunks, jumps down at them from somewhere.

**RED**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**JACQUES**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

**SPIVEY**: Nice swim trunks.

Spivey blinks.

**SPIVEY**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

They all take out their guns and begin shooting at Imhotep. He looks as if he's enjoying it.

Spivey bangs on the door. Meela opens the eyepiece.

**MEELA**: He wants you to open the chest. Open the chest.

Spivey panics and goes to the chest.

**JACQUES**: NO!

Spivey throws off the lid of the chest. White vapor comes pouring out. Imhotep disappears.

Everyone draws an extra gun. Spivey draws a balloon sword.

**SPIVEY**: Where'd he go? Where'd he go?

Spivey turns around and sees Imhotep next to him, hanging from the ceiling.

**IMHOTEP**: Ha, ha, ha! WHOA!!!

Imhotep falls off of the ceiling and lands on his head.

**SPIVEY**: That's what you get for trying to be Spider-Man!

Imhotep puts his hand on Spivey's shoulders and absorbs him.

**RED**: SPIVEY!!!

Imhotep turns to look at the other two. Half his face is rotted off.

**RED**: TWO-FACE!!!

**JACQUES**: Holy codfish, Batman!

Cut to the outside of the train. Steam and smoke are blowing out of the smokestack. (I'm so observant.)


	11. Izzy's Magic Carpet-Balloon-Like Thing

After that useless bit of footage, we cut to an old-fashioned yellow car driving into, what appears to be, and airport. A very crude, sandy airport, if I might add.

**EVY**: _This _is the Magic Carpet?

**RICK**: He'll be fine. He's a professional.

A pair of blue doors open and Izzy comes out.

**RICK**: Izzy!

**IZZY**: Aah!

Izzy does a couple of fancy ballet twirls ending with a graceful jetté back into the doors. We hear a bunch of locks clicking.

**EVY**: Where'd he learn to dance like that?

**RICK**: I don't know.

**EVY**: He _defiantly _remembers you.

**RICK**: He's a little shy.

Jonathan walks up to them.

**RICK**: Jonathan, get our bags.

**JONATHAN**: Oh, my hands are full.

Rick grabs the gold stick thing (the only thing he was carrying) from Jonathan.

**RICK**: Now!

**JONATHAN**: Right, I'll get the bags.

**RICK**: I'll deal with the flight details.

Rick takes out a gun and shoots the one lock we can see. The doors open a crack.

**EVY**: What happened to all the other locks?

**RICK**: Beats me.

Rick goes up to the door and kicks it. It doesn't move. He kicks it again. 

**RICK**: Why won't this work?!

Evy goes up to the door, takes the handle, and _pulls _the door open.

**RICK**: Oh.

They enter the doors and see Izzy, running away from them.

**IZZY**: Oh, no, no.

**RICK**: Izzy, get your fat tub-of-lard ass over here!

**IZZY**: No, no, no.

**EVY**: Doesn't look happy to see you.

**RICK**: Never turned me down yet.

Izzy goes over and takes some papers from under an unconscious mans head, then letting his head drop.

**IZZY**: Whatever it is, whatever you need, I don't care. Forget it, O'Connell! Every time I hook up with you I get shot! Last time I got shot in the ass! I'm in mourning for my ass!

Izzy walks over to some other place.

**IZZY**: Remember that bank job in Marrakesh?

**EVY**: Bank job?

**RICK**: It's not like it sounds.

**IZZY**: Uh, it's exactly how it sounds. I'm flying high, hiding in the sun. The white boy here flags me down, so I fly in low for the pickup. The next thing you know, I get shot! I'm lying in the middle of the road with my spleen hanging out and I see _him _waltzing up with some belly dancer girl.

**EVY**: Belly dancer girl?

**RICK**: Actually Miranda was quite good in bed...

**EVY**: Izzy, I think you and I should talk.

**IZZY**: Long as I don't get shot.

**RICK**: Quit your whining. You're gonna get paid this time.

He throws Izzy a stack of money. Izzy looks at it.

We look at Evy, and she looks behind her. There is a man, wrapped in a turban, taking a bubble bath and reading a newspaper.

**EVY**: Right...

We go back to Izzy's conversation with Rick.

**IZZY**: O'Connell, have you looked around here any? Huh? What do I need money for? What the _hell _am I gonna spend it on?

Izzy puts the money in his pocket anyway.

Rick walks up to Izzy and waves the gold stick thing.

**RICK**: I'll make this short. We are in the middle of the desert, with no communication whatsoever, and Oprah is on in a couple of minutes! You gotta take me home!

Izzy looks at the gold stick.

**IZZY**: O'Connell, you give me that gold stick there and you can shave my head, wax my legs and use me for a surfboard.

Rick throws Izzy the gold stick.

**RICK**: Didn't we do that in Tripoli?

Cut to Izzy, Evy, Rick, and Jonathan walking out of the airport fort thing.

**IZZY**: You're not exactly catching me at my best.

**EVY**: Oh, I'm sure I am.

A horse whinnies, and we turn to see Ardeth and a bunch of people riding horses who are wearing the exact same things as him.

**IZZY**: I knew it. I'm gonna get shot.

Ardeth walks up to them.

**ARDETH**: These are the commanders of the 12 tribes of the MedJai. Horus!

A cute, tiny, adorable, sweet, darling--

**RICK**: Would you finish already?

**DYLAN**: Hold on, I'm almost done.

--precious, lovely, priceless--

**EVY**: Good God, stop already!

**HORUS**: Oh yeah. I'm cool.

Okay, okay! A falcon flies from one guy on a horse to Ardeth.

**JONATHAN**: Ah. Pet bird.

**ARDETH**: My best and most clever friend. He will let the commanders know of our progress so they may... uh... follow us... I guess...

Ardeth says something in another language and does some kind of hand signal. The guys on horses do the same, then turn around and ride off.

Cut to everyone walking to Izzy's umm, air transportation vehicle.

**EVY**: Rick, are you sure Izzy's reliable?

**RICK**: Yeah, yeah. He's reliable... ish.

They walk around a stone wall and see an air balloon, except the whole balloon is bright orange. Evy takes out sunglasses and puts them on. Izzy comes running up from the... umm... orange.

**IZZY**: Isn't she beautiful?

**RICK**: It's orange.

**IZZY**: I know.

**EVY**: Oh dear God.

**ARDETH**: Why can't you people ever keep your feet on the ground?

**RICK**: Because this is faster.

**ARDETH**: Oh.

Cut to the... uh... dirigible taking off. We hear a voice from inside the boat part.

**RICK**: Aw, crap, I forgot my clean underwear!

**EVY**: I hope you enjoy sleeping alone.

In the next scene, we get a shot of the orange thing flying past some pyramids and the sun, which turns into the moon as they are flying across it.

**E.T.**: E.T. phone home.

Cut to the deck of the orange thing.

**ARDETH**: O'Connell does not want to believe, but he flies like an eagle towards his destiny.

Background music is heard and the entire cast starts singing.

**EVERYBODY**: Flyyyy like an eeeeeeagle... to the seeeeeea! Flyyyy like an eeeeeeagle let my spirit carrrry meeee I want to flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

**HORUS**: I'm insulted.

**DYLAN**: Flyyyy like a faaaaalcon...

**HORUS**: Much better.

**JONATHAN**: Okay, tell me some more about this glass pyramid.

**ARDETH**: Well, it is written that since the time of the Scorpion Princess, no man who has laid eyes upon it has ever returned to tell the tale.

**JONATHAN**: Where is all this stuff written?

**ARDETH**: In your local library.

He gives the camera a cheesy grin.

**ARDETH**: And remember folks, reading helps you learn! 

**DYLAN**: Okay, enough Oded! Sheesh. Who's idea was it to put commercials in this thing?

**ODED**: Well, they paid me a lot of money.

**DYLAN**: Can we get back to the film now? Thank you.

Jonathan sticks his hand in a hole in the wood and finds the gold stick thing. 

**JONATHAN**: He-llo.

He pulls it out through the hole and shows it to Ardeth.

**JONATHAN**: Pretty nice, eh?

**ARDETH**: That's Izzy's.

**JONATHAN**: Uhh... no it isn't!

**ARDETH**: It's Izzy's.

**JONATHAN**: No, it's mine.

Ardeth sighs and rolls his eyes.

**ARDETH**: Whatever...

Suddenly Izzy sees Jonathan with the gold stick and grabs it. Jonathan still holds on and they fight for it. Horus flies up and acts as a referee. 

**HORUS**: In this corner... we have.... JONATHAN!!! And the driver of this... orange... thing... IZZY!!! Oh... a low blow by Jonathan with the gold stick thing...

Izzy rips the gold stick out of Jonathan's hands.

**IZZY**: Keep your hands off it.

**HORUS**: And the winner... IZZY!!!

**JONATHAN**: Shut up.

**HORUS**: What? Your ego can't handle it?

**JONATHAN**: You want a piece of me?

**HORUS**: Yeah!

**JONATHAN**: Let's take this inside!

**HORUS**: What?

**DYLAN**: Oh my God, I'm working with a bunch of idiots!

**JONATHAN**: I resent that.

**DYLAN**: Just shut up and get back to the movie.

Cut to Evy and Rick on the front of the boat. Rick has his arms wrapped around Evy, and Evy's arms are stretched out straight.

**EVY**: Jack! I'm flying!

**RICK**: Well duh, it's a dirigible. And what is it with you and this Jack person?

**EVY**: Umm, nothing.

Evy blushes.

**RICK**: Oh dear God. Honey, is there something I should know?

**EVY**: Leonardo is a fruit.

**RICK**: What?

**EVY**: Nevermind.

Cut to the train Imhotep & co. is in moving against the rising sun. We cut to the inside of a boxcar with Alex and Lock-Jaw sitting at a table. The sun has now completely risen after a short period of three seconds. 

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we there yet?

**ALEX**: No.

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we there yet?

**ALEX**: No.

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we there yet?

**ALEX**: No.

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we there yet?

**ALEX**: No.

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we there yet?

**ALEX**: No.

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we there yet?

**ALEX**: No.

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we there yet?

**ALEX**: No.

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we there yet?

**ALEX**: No.

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we there yet?

**ALEX**: No.

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we there yet?

**ALEX**: No!

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we there yet?

**ALEX**: No!!

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we there yet?

**ALEX**: No!!!

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we there yet?

**ALEX**: NO!!!

**LOCK-JAW**: Are we--

Alex takes out a newspaper and whacks Lock-Jaw across the face.

**ALEX**: Bad dog! No biscuit! Now take me to the bathroom!

Cut to Imhotep's boxcar. Meela opens the door and walks in. She trips over the dehydrated corpse of Spivey and falls flat on her face.

**MEELA**: AHHHHHHH!!! 

Imhotep stares at her and raises his now-fully-regenerated eyebrow. 

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: We need one of those 'Caution – Watch Your Step' signs. 

**MEELA**: Ow...

Cut to the bathroom. Lock-Jaw pushes Alex inside.

**LOCK-JAW**: Make it quick.

Alex looks around. The walls are covered with crap. Literally. A bunch of flies buzz around.

**AUDIENCE**: *Barf*

Alex looks at Lock-Jaw. Lock-Jaw pushes him onto the toilet seat. Alex picks up the 'toilet paper', the Arabic newspaper.

**ALEX**: Hey, reading material!

**LOCK-JAW**: NOW!!!

Alex looks at Lock-Jaw again.

**ALEX**: I can't go when someone's watching.

Lock-Jaw turns around reluctantly.

**LOCK-JAW**: Damn. I though I was in for a good porn show... 

**ALEX**: I don't trust you. You'll look.

**LOCK-JAW**: Damn kid knows all my secrets.

Lock-Jaw leaves, grumbling to himself.

Alex checks to make sure Lock-Jaw is gone before trying to pull apart the metal bars. He grunts with the effort.

**LOCK-JAW**: Holy crap, what's going on in there?

**ALEX**: Nothing, just... uh... a little... uh... constipated.

**LOCK-JAW**: Oh. Take your time. 

Alex then decides that, if he can't pry open the metal bars, he might as well use the toilet. He flips up the lid and looks inside. There are twelve deceased goldfish and three dead hamsters. 

**ALEX**: Oh my God! Doesn't anyone around here know how to flush a toilet?

He flushes it, and looks inside.

**ALEX**: Wooooo... it goes around and around and around and around and around and I will pet him and love him and name him George.

Alex notices that the toilet water is being washed into a pipe that is large enough to climb into.

**ALEX**: Hey, I know! I'll crawl down that pipe and maybe I'll end up in a different boxcar!

He looks at it again.

**ALEX**: Hell no. No way am I even _touching _that stuff.

**DYLAN**: Come on, Freddie. 

**FREDDIE**: No-fricken-way. 

**DYLAN**: We didn't pay you millions of dollars to wimp out!

**FREDDIE**: And what exactly did you pay millions of dollars to do?

**DYLAN**: To get covered in other peoples' crap.

**FREDDIE**: I knew I shouldn't have signed that contract.

**DYLAN**: Just go, or face the wrath of the almighty script writer.

**CAST**: All hail the almighty script writer.

**FREDDIE**: Fine, fine, fine. 

Alex takes the toilet and pulls it back, making a big hole in the floor. He then pulls the little 'I-want-to-get-off' cord, and the stupid guy in red driving the train stops it.

We get a shot of the train slowing outside of an ancient ruin. All the men in red on the top of the train stand up for no apparent reason. 

Cut to Meela and Imhotep in their boxcar. They are on a bed that had just appeared out of nowhere and having a little... ahem... fun.

**DYLAN**: Umm... how 'bout we skip this scene?

**CAMERA CREW**: Hell no!

**DYLAN**: Sick people. That's it, I'm leaving. I'll just get _second _unit to do the rest of the film.

**CAMERA CREW**: Gah! We're coming! We're coming!

Cut to outside the train. Alex is zigzag running towards the ancient city while the men in red attempt to shoot him.

**RANDOM PERSON**: Run, florist, run!

Suddenly Imhotep's boxcar door opens and he comes out, followed by Meela.

**DYLAN**: Oh, look who finally decided to show up fully-clothed. 

**IMHOTEP**: Shut up.

Imhotep uses his (Dr. Evil finger wiggle) "power" to lift two men in red who are shooting at Alex, bang them together, and them catapult them into the legs of a statue.

**MAN IN RED 1**: Ow...

Cut to Alex who is running in the ruins. He stops when he gets to a pool of water as the tutu projects another holographic image.

The holographic image starts at Karnak, then flies over two theme parks, New York City, and the North Pole before it gets to the Temple Island of Philae. 

Suddenly Imhotep walks on the water through the holographic image. Halfway through he stops, and falls into the water.

**IMHOTEP**: Help! I'm drowning!

Suddenly, he realizes the water pool is only three feet deep. He gets out and walks over to Alex, who is cracking up. Imhotep lifts Alex with his (finger wiggle) "powers."

**IMHOTEP**: Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Cut to Izzy's orange balloon-like thingy. Horus flies up to it and screeches. He lands on Ardeth's arm.

**ARDETH**: AHHHHHH! CLAWS! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!

Horus turns his beak up and goes to sit by Evy.


	12. Visions of Nefertiri

We zoom in to Evy, who is standing at the front of the orange thing. We see Horus come and sit by her. The boat flies into some clouds, and we hear Imhotep's voice and it sounds all echoed and stuff.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: It is time to remind you of your purpose in life...

We cut to Imhotep and Anck-su-namun kneeling in front of some water.

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: ...and what I need you to buy from 7-11. I need some donuts, a bag of chips, some pretzels, and a Slurpee. 

Imhotep waves his hand over the water as Anck-su-namun writes all this down. The water instantly changes into a TV screen and a memory is played on it.

We see Nefertiri and Anck-su-namun dress in *very* revealing gold outfits. They both have two gold daggers.

**SETI (SUBTITLED)**: Begin!

The girls start to swordfight, blah, blah, blah. It all looks spectacular and everything and whatnot. 

Anck-su-namun trips Nefertiri and she raises her mask. We can see a cloth Band-Aid on her finger. We see that the girl under the mask is... *****gasp***** Evy!

(Author's Note- For those of you who don't know, yes, she DOES have a Band-Aid on her finger in the real movie. o_O)

**ANCK-SU-NAMUN (SUBTITLED)**: Put your mask on! I don't have insurance and if I scar your pretty face your father will slap a big-time fine on me.

Nefertiri rolls her eyes and jumps up. She and Anck-su-namun resume fighting. Suddenly, Nefertiri stops and cries out.

**NEFERTIRI**: Aww, crap! I broke a nail!

Anck-su-namun slaps her forehead in disgust.

**ANCK-SU-NAMUN**: I declare this fighting match officially over...

**SETI (SUBTITLED)**: Bravo! Bravo! Who better to protect the Tutu of Anubis than my lovely daughter Nefertiri? And who better to protect _me _than my future wife, Anck-soon-yamoon.

**DYLAN**: Arg! Aharon! For the LAST time!!! It's NOT Anck-soon-yamoon!!! Get it RIGHT!!!

**AHARON**: Whatever. 

Seti goes over and hugs Nefertiri.

**SETI (SUBTITLED)**: Well done, daughter.

Cut to Anck-su-namun. We see Imhotep walking by her in slow motion. Suddenly Imhotep bends over backwards and does the little Matrix-thing. 

**IMHOTEP**: Whoosh! Whoosh!

Anck-su-namun looks at him and Imhotep stands back up. Suddenly everything speeds up really fast and Imhotep and his priests pony-trot out of the room.

We look at Nefertiri, and she is staring suspiciously at Anck-su-namun.

**ANCK-SU-NAMUN**: Hey, I didn't teach him that!

Cut to an Ancient Egyptian balcony. Nefertiri walks up to it. We see that her wig is lopsided. 

Nefertiri sees Imhotep standing by a statue. Anck-su-namun enters the room through double doors, wearing only gold and black paint and a loincloth. She walks smoothly forward and suddenly trips over a rug, that wasn't previously there, falling flat on her face.

A young girl is seen sneaking away, a rolled up rug in her arms. Anck-su-namun rights herself and walks on. A back view is given and on her left butt cheek is painted in black hieroglyphics 'Kick me'. Several gold priests are seen closing the door.  
Anck-su-namun walks though some shear curtains to wear Imhotep stands. She runs her hand over his face, not touching him.  
Nefertiri watches with abhor.

Imhotep and Anck-su-namun kiss. Imhotep carelessly runs his hand over the black paint in her arm smudging it and leaving his hand black. 

They break apart and Imhotep rubes his blackened hand over his head giving him a "Mohawk" look. 

The doors burst open. As the priests scatter Imhotep runs to hide, Anck-su-namun leans against a gold sculpture of Garfield. Pharaoh bursts in through the curtains and speaks.   
  


**SETI (SUBTITLED)**: Who has touched you?

He points to the smudges on her arm. She starts to say something but Imhotep appears behind him. Seti turns as Imhotep grabs his sword. 

**SETI (SUBTITLED)**: Imhotep! My priest! Did you change your hair?

Cut back to Nefertiri. She shouts at the MedJai.

**NEFERTIRI (SUBTITLED)**: MedJai! My father needs you!

**MEDJAI DUDE (SUBTITLED)**: For what?

**NEFERTIRI (SUBTITLED)**: I think he's about to be killed.

**MEDJAI DUDE (SUBTITLED)**: Oh. Okay then.

All the MedJai run off.

Cut back to Imhotep, Seti, and the previous life of the Hawaiian Cracker.

**PATRICIA**: Would you give it a rest?!

**DYLAN**: Not until you answer my fan mail.

**PATRICIA**: Oh please!

Anck-su-namun rises up a large butter knife and tries to stab him, but barely breaks the skin. Seti screams like a woman, and Imhotep plunges the sword into him. 

Nefertiri screams and jumps off the balcony.

Cut to the present. Err... 1933. Evy screams and jumps off the flying orange boat.

**RICK**: EVY!

Rick dives to catch her, but misses. He turns to the camera and waves.

**RICK**: Hi mom!

(AN – You will only get this if you've seen the bloopers.)

Cut back to Ancient Egypt.

On the other side of the curtains the gold priests watch the murder, munching on popcorn. After the dastardly deed is done, a loud banging is heard on the door.   
  


Anck-su-namun and Imhotep look up. 

Now the shot flashes back and forth between Ancient Egypt and Patricia screaming like an idiot. 

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: Pharaohs bodyguards.  
  


**ANCK-SU-NAMUN (SUBTITLED)**:You must go, save yourself.  
  


**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: No.   
  


**ANCK-SU-NAMUN (SUBTITLED)**: Only you can resurrect me.   
  


**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: Resurrect you from what?

Imhotep looks annoyed.

**ANCK-SU-NAMUN (SUBTITLED)**: I'm going to kill myself.

Anck-su-namun stands up straight and picks up the butter knife.  
  


**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: With _that_?  
  


**ANCK-SU-NAMUN (SUBTITLED)**: Well, duh. What did you think I'd do? Throw myself against the walls and beat myself to death?  
  


The gold priests run around the curtains and pull Imhotep away. 

**IMHOTEP (SUBTITLED)**: I won't leave you. Let go of me.

He begins to struggle against the golden boys. 

Anck-su-namun reaches out to him again and then turns to meet her fate. 

The bodyguards come through the curtains and put on fake masks of horror.

**ANCK-SU-NAMUN (SUBTITLED)**: My body is no longer his toilet!

**DYLAN**: Dear God...

The guards look at each other confused as Anck-su-namun plunges the knife into her stomach. Well tries to. Finally she does resort to slamming herself against the wall then jumps off the balcony.

Cut back to Meela and Imhotep kneeling by the pond of water. Meela goes limp, and Imhotep begins reading from the Book of the Dead. A soul-thing floats out of the pool and goes into Meela. She wakes up, gasps, and looks around. 

She sees Imhotep.

**ANCK-SU-NAMUN**: Imhotep.

**IMHOTEP**: Anck-su-namun.

**MARSHA**: George!

**GEORGE**: Marsha!

**MARSHA**: George! George!

**GEORGE**: Marsha! Marsha!

**MARSHA**: George! George! George!

**GEORGE**: Marsha! Marsha! Mar--

**DYLAN**: Dear God! What the hell was that?! Who the hell are you people and where did you come from?!

George and Marsha exit.

(AN – You will only get THIS if you read Garfield...)

Cut back to the flying boat thing. Evy's foot is tangled in the fishing net and she is hanging upside-down from the boat with her arms crossed in annoyance.

**EVY**: Ahem.

Jonathan leans over the side of the boat, carrying a plate of crumpets that had appeared out of nowhere.

**JONATHAN**: Would you like a crumpet, Old Mum?

**EVY**: I-- Oh all right.

Evy takes a crumpet and eats it, still hanging upside-down. She finishes it.

**EVY**: You know, a little help might be useful IF IT'S NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE!!!

**RICK**: Yeah, yeah, hold your horses.

Rick pulls Evy back up into the boat.

Cut to Karnak. Alex has a collar around his neck and he is chained to a doghouse. He clanks it loudly as Lock-Jaw enters.

**LOCK-JAW**: Don't even think about it.

Lock-Jaw walks up to Alex, who lifts up his shirt so Lock-Jaw can see the tutu.

**ALEX**: Hold on there, partner.

Lock-Jaw pulls Alex's tie threateningly.

**LOCK-JAW**: When the time comes, I shall truly enjoy eating you.

**ALEX**: But until that time, you better be a _little _nicer to me. Now where's my virgin margarita?

Lock-Jaw thrusts glass of green liquid into Alex's hand.

**ALEX**: What?! No little tiki umbrella?

Lock-Jaw swears in Arabic as he leaves.

Alex drinks the margarita, then goes and pees on the sand. He then starts making a sandcastle from it.

Cut to the next day. It is (duh) daytime. The orange thing is, uh, parked outside the ruins of Karnak. Ardeth and Rick start to run towards it with their guns. 

They approach a pair of pillars. Ardeth runs in between them, but Rick runs straight-on into the one on the left. He steps backwards, shakes his head, and follows Ardeth.

They approach the train and look inside. It's empty.

**ARDETH**: They've gone! We've lost them! 

Cut to Evy, who is walking through the temple. She sees a pair of underwear hanging on a statue. We see they have 'Wednesday' written on them.

**EVY**: RICK!

Evy runs towards the underwear as Rick and Ardeth follow her.

EVY: Alex left us his underwear. And... he made us a little sandcastle. 

**RICK**: Phew! It smellslike heck!

**EVY**: It's the Temple Island of Philae. They've gone to Philae.

Cut to Philae. The orange thing lands. We see a pair of underwear with 'Thursday' on it. It gets pulled off to reveal a stinky sandcastle of the Temple of Abu Simbel.

**EVY**: The great Temple of Abu Simbel.

**RICK**: Duh.

We see Ardeth roll up a little sheet of paper with Arabic words on it. He puts it on Horus' foot. 

Horus takes off and flies directly towards the camera. He crashes straight into it, breaking the lens. The heroic orchestra music slows and stops.

**HORUS**: Ow...

**DYLAN**: Cut!!!

Cut to the Temple of Abu Simbel. We see that the cheap people at ILM have put the statues of Ramses the Great sitting on toilets. 

The orange dirigible floats by it, and Horus screeches and flies towards the camera again. We see he has a bandage wrapped around his head.

Horus crashes into the camera _again_ and breaks the lens _again._ The heroic orchestra music stops _again_.

**HORUS**: Double ow...

**DYLAN**: Don't you think the second time he should know not to? 

Cut to Imhotep's little caravan thing crossing the desert. Everyone is sitting on a camel. Alex has a laptop and is typing with one finger.

**ALEX**: H... E... L...

He notices Imhotep looking at him.

**ALEX**: Umm... another L?

Cut to the MedJai tribe leader dude-guy. Horus flies up to him, his head wrapped and one wing in a cast. We see the only thing that is keeping him airborne is a pink balloon. 

The MedJai leader looks at the paper.

**MEDJAI LEADER (SUBTITLED)**: 'XYZ'? What? XYZ?

One of the other MedJais whisper into his ear. The leader blushes and zips up his fly.

The other MedJai guy gives a signal and all the MedJai on their horses start walking forward.


End file.
